Strange things, or was I going crazy…

I talked in the last post of the strange experience I had at 9 years old, which at the time seemed too much to process. That changed as I grew up but it was never clear till much later in life.

But much like the image above, it become a signpost for me, shaped my path of being. It gave me a little mindfulness in life. Never easy to always be in that state though. I wish it was at plenty of times in life.

Don’t we all? 😉

So, a couple of months ago, something strange happened…

I hit a low point

With several things happening in life that were just getting me down badly I felt a little lost and helpless in some ways, I really wanted to help the situations  around me any way I could but seemed like whatever I did was the wrong thing, even if it was the only thing I could do and my anxiety levels were through the roof.

We have all been there at some point with various situations in life.

It wasn’t the fault of anyone else, it wasn’t mine, it was just one of those things we have in life where you are unsure how to go about things and grapple with it. Just life. Life hurting you in strange ways, and hurting people you care about too. Everyday life.

I started having these flashback dreams of that pothole experience and wasn’t really sure why I was having them, or what it was trying to tell me. I was baffled to be honest. Was it just stress? I didn’t know, but they really were vivid dreams.

The strangest thing was I also used to have this crazy nightmare as a kid, living at the house in Weston street where all this happened, and this nightmare there were always some “things” chasing me up the stairs. No idea what it was about but scared me stupid at the time.

Well I also had that nightmare a couple of months ago, first time since way back then, strange. Very strange. I couldn’t make sense of it and still can’t.

I had been using meditation a few times a week, daily at points, just to calm stress levels down and get to grips on me. It’s not so hard when you are deaf and can sit in total utter silence. 😉 (except tinnitus that is, which I can lower)

It was helping on some days, on others I just couldn’t really get into that state at all, so I got into a habit of getting up and getting dressed, out on the seawall here for a walk, grab some good lungfuls of that fresh thick sea brought air.

Did wonders for a better start to the day most days. Not all though.

Over this period I was struggling badly just to wake in any decent mood…

I snapped

Things weren’t really getting anywhere and I felt kind of useless, beaten…

I woke one day really low, I just didn’t even want to move, I felt like I could sleep for a week, really odd, not a nice feeling really and I had to get up. It was just a low day for me, we all have them.

So, I decided to meditate a little before my walk on the seawall rather than after thinking it would be better and easier seeing I hadn’t yet woke fully up and not yet heard a single noise to disturb me.

I have no idea why but in a strange kind of despair I spoke out loud, and firmly “if you are real whatever you are tell me what the hell to do, and what I’m doing wrong” and sat, in silence, calming thoughts letting them wash past in a train of thought as I let it go.

Well, I jumped out of my skin when all of a sudden I saw two words in my mind… I mean, as clear as anything, I wasn’t sure I “heard” them but I definitely saw them and then I had an immediate flashback to that pothole… clear as a bell!

The two melded I saw myself shouting out of that pothole and the words in my mind…

Broken promises. 

I knew immediately what it meant!

Me shouting “get me out of here and I won’t swear again” … like a daft 9 year old does!

I shot up off the floor and grabbed my coat, keys, put shoes on and walked fast up to the sea wall… freaked out, really freaked out. I hadn’t even put either hearing aid in, I was still in utter silence… I bet I was white as a sheet.

I stood there looking at the sea in silence, I could not hear a thing and breathing in deep lungfuls of that air. Trying to calm myself. I failed at that…. shivery as I walked all the way down to the end of the wall and sat on the bench. I didn’t realise but I was sat there for 40 mins in silence watching the waves roll and crash, it went in a flash really.

I walked home slowly… confused and baffled.

Changes started happening

I didn’t actually set out to do it, it just happened and it was when two others pointed it out that I noticed it, I hadn’t thought about it all all, but it is still happening.

I didn’t swear for ages after that, not spoken or written, one close friend told me about 10 days after that experience… and another said something on a post on facebook I wrote… yeah I took notice then!

I am still yet to write a swear word … odd… but I know as most do about that old truth of vibrations, energy, well words have them, especially on water and we are alot of water… words spoken, written, sung.  😉 All have effect.

Don’t ask… I just started changing them habits without realising. Powerful effect it had too.

I  started to give up smoking, eat better, all sorts. Do more. Be more in the now.

I’m just not sure where them words come from.  Not “god”… not in my mind anyway, it was more like from me… somehow, or was it from that me I encountered at 9? Some string of my own consciousness?

I don’t know but I did take notice!

It got stranger yet

Then something happened that I can’t get into, just a had a moment stood in my kitchen and saw something in my mind that was very telling to me. That’s not over yet… I know that much. Some day I may talk of it, but not now.

Several weeks went by and I was just getting on with life as best I could, one night I felt tired pretty early, it was only about 9.15 or so. Early. Way earlier than I ever gone to bed in a long long time but I just went to bed.

I pretty much fell asleep as soon as I put my head down which I used to do easy being deaf and sleeping deeply, but haven’t done in well over 15 years now. Till this night.

I woke at 4am in  a daze… a real daze… what was that?

Immediately I started to realise it was so unclear and my brain was already forgetting it, I was a bit annoyed to say the least. I couldn’t do much about it.

Two days later, the same dream happened again and it got more and more vivid… I remembered that one clearly! 😉

And over the next two days I kept seeing it all in my mind, more details and such… strange but I am glad it did. What it all means though? … 😉

Well, hard to describe that, but I can try… in the next post 😉

Any thoughts on this?

Comment below, no sending white coated men round… please. 😉

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One Response to Strange things, or was I going crazy…

  1. Pingback: The web of strong bonds that bind us… | Rob Sellen ...

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