Heavy black shadows…

Feel weighed down like that at times, mostly just for being me, fed up with that sometimes. I almost feel like leaving Portland and go somewhere completely new where I know no one but I wouldn’t be happy there either. My head and my hassle go with me.

Fact of life…

Depression and anxiety just makes it horribly worse, yes I do suffer from it, you would have done at some point in my shoes!

Maybe it doesn’t seem like I suffer it but that’s part of it, having to have a smile on face to show the world.

I am at a big crossroad in life and I know it.

Do I want to carry on as things are? No… to be honest.

What can I realistically do about it?

Not a lot …

I can’t change my body. Changing my head is doable but not easy. I can always change perspective but it doesn’t solve the issues that matter to me.

I just do not fit the perception some have of me and it annoys me no end that I can’t change it. I have tried.

At times I feel I got dealt a bad hand, but I also immediately think, there are people way worse off than myself. Yep, I know that. Still doesn’t change the feeling.  Never feeling whole or complete or good enough is a pretty bad empty feeling.

People say Oh it’s not like that, but it IS… believe me… I wouldn’t say it otherwise.

Made worse by some peoples attitude at times, yes, it happens… I had it happen last friday night, someone looked at me like I was from mars… all because I had hearing aids in… I mean, I think… really… pi** off, don’t even look at me. Sorry, excuse french but it’s truth.

Or others see me and I can almost feel them thinking oh there’s Rob, I’ll pretend I didn’t see him. . . it really is annoying… I don’t bite!!

Yet the same night someone makes my heart sing by being nice, actually approaching me and introducing herself saying it was good to meet me at last,  having seen each other at other nights out my brother does… and her husband dj’s with my brother. A good soul indeed… even trying sign language, which I explained I didn’t do, but what a gesture from her… meant alot. Again thanks, if you read this. 😉

I wish I could swap minds with some people for half hour while with them, let them see what it’s like being deaf, and having all that that goes with it. They might be shocked at a few other things going on like why they see things so far away they don’t normally see, or why everything is so sensitive to the touch, or smells are stronger, why energy is so easy to feel, I know walking into a room who don’t like me also truth and lies have different energy, trust me. Even how the mind decodes the senses.

The perception of me would soon change. 100% of the time. Never happen though.

Mind you I would gladly swap my eyes for a day with a blind person as long as I could have their ears for a day! Else I’d get run over or something!

I am just fed up of being seen as not normal in the way you know what I mean. Yeah, it really does get to me.

Can’t change it though, only explain it from my point.

NOT  a pity me post, just some people should have a little more empathy in their heart and not be so quick to cast a heavy black shadow over someone, because that’s just what it does. It hangs all day, believe me.

Yes there are positives and I embrace them, it’s the negative I struggle with and I know it’s not going to change only get worse. Sadly.

Anyway… I don’t know what I am to do, I am not gonna rush anything but I am at a point where I have had enough. I really thought things were on the up but they aren’t. My heart aches.

Normal happy stuff will return tomorrow… maybe.

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