I slung the cup of tea across the kitchen with real force shattering the cup into a million pieces and breaking the plate it hit on the draining board with a loud crash.

I turned and swiped all the utensils off the side and across the room, then the plugged in microwave went flying.

I started kicking the cupboard doors in a rage I’ve not had for years.

Throwing anything I got my angry hands on. Kicking anything within reach.

Food went everywhere…

I was absolutely livid…

Throwing everything and anything around  several times over just to be sure it was all smashed up.

The kitchen was a real mess…

Smashed to pieces.

Well, it would have been had I acted out just how I felt!

Instead, I broke down a little, uttered words of distress and anger… I’d had enough…

Literally had enough.

So I grabbed my coat and walked up the beach. It was 1.00 AM and I tossed half the beaches pebbles back into the sea, breathing in deep lungfuls of dense sea clean air… I threw them till I felt my anger subside… I sank to my backside, on the lumpy uncomfortable beach.

10 mins went by, so I thought, it was nearly 40 mins. I got up, numb backside, shrugged my shoulders realising I can change nothing I wanted to change and went home, sank under the duvet and slept.

For the first time in days.

I had snapped, I also started to snap out of it. Slowly.

I realised I can only do one thing going forward and if I didn’t I was gonna end up having a breakdown.

Change what we can

I needed to take control… change what I can change. One a time.

You may’ve noticed I changed the look here again as I really didn’t like the last one much so I just bit the bullet and changed it, it just didn’t feel like mine.

Anyway… you may also have noticed I have been quiet of late on social media, well there’s a good reason for that too.

Unsure what you feel about it but I don’t like the effect it has on us and what it does … to us and our relationships to each other, regardless of me, it’s sure to continue messing people up, therefore society up, it’s on that path already and most of us don’t even realise it. Or care.

They are too busy checking the next notification!

Get my drift?

Dopamine addict!

Wanna be one of them, in the wrong way?

Um… no.

My head’s messed up enough as it is thanks…

Which is what happens when people shit on you in whatever way and it bothers you, if it doesn’t then you don’t care anyway. Several people have bothered me way more than I realised and it’s been done worse than I first thought. I have to learn to grow with it.

I can only deal my feelings about it and nothing more. I care, but I can’t do much about anything else. Caring hurts, maybe I shouldn’t care, I’ve tried not caring, just not in my nature.

It’s down to others to help “fix” things by acknowledging it and … make the move to, I will always communicate, always.

I love these people but it’s not appreciated or reflected back to me. Sadly. I love them all enough to let them go. I have to. Else it will kill me slowly.

I also wrote alot of crap lately… purely it distracted me from all that I should be dealing with and that crap writing will all be sorted out. As will the whole blog… it may shrink. A lot.

The only advice to those people who hurt me is this…

George Orwell said …

that to see what’s in front of one’s nose requires a constant struggle.”

Including our faults.

Not saying they were responsible, could be at fault, but… blame game goes nowhere.

Regardless, I’ll take responsibility for myself and my faults and sort my things out cos the alternative isn’t good.

In two minds

More ways than one… In two minds about what I’m going to do. In several areas of life. Online and offline.

More than that though I am having a battle in both minds…

The one that’s chattering and thinking, which is the one we use all the time for everyday thinking and it’s bloody annoying me… and the one observing, who is getting sick of it too! I’m getting sick of both!

Eh.. well, you read this sentence, and this one, and you keep reading them and you are saying them in your mind, no? Of course you are, probably saying them in your own voice, so, who is hearing them?

Yeah, kinda strange to think about that. We are the only animal (we are animals) to have this power of utilising two minds. This blessing… Being able to watch our thoughts. This is almost what makes humans Godlike.

I mean, it is a blessing, but also a curse to a point.

Think of a dog, it never watches its thoughts, it just has one, it never stresses over stuff that mean nothing, never considers it’s own death, it doesn’t worry about age, it just is, it lives, it just is a dog being a dog. . .living for now, day by day.

Wanting one thing. Your company. Or a bone. 😆

Simple and clear… Meaningful.

The very fact we have this blessing is why I realise I need to get back to grips with it. I need to straighten it out, fast. Losing control is never good, more so when it’s also the observing part… Not going mad, just struggling with things a little more than I realised.

So getting a grip on these two aspects of mind is what I need to do. Calm and align them, not easy, that’s where one benefit of being deaf comes in. I can get some silence, and it’s just a switch, once I quieten the tinnitus down too. A conscience effort that in itself.

Making time for it is what we have to do, 24 precious hours and we can surely spare less than one, for the benefit of ourselves for the rest of the 24 hours.

20 mins of my day

20 minutes, that’s all it takes, if I can take that out of my day to work on the most important thing which is my mind and its well being I will get to grips with it all. . . it’s not much to ask, 20 mins.

It’s not easy… but it’s 20 mins and I don’t have alot of option. So back to daily meditation which I should never have stopped. Mindfulness, it counts.

20 minutes of doing nothing and everything.

Meditation is a great tool once you persevere with it, sounds odd, as it’s one the most relaxing things you can do in a way, but it’s not easy to do the way you need to do it. The whole point of it is to still your mind without trying.

Just stop now and start quietening all that chatter for 5 minutes without forcing it, let thoughts flow freely, but don’t dwell on any…  and you’ll agree, not easy, in fact one of the hardest things to do.

One of the best things though. As I said, I shouldn’t have stopped. I got 20 minutes each day. 😉

We all have the 20 minutes if we stop succumbing to the attention economy… digesting social media and all it’s meaningless crap is a bad use of our limited attention, and attention is all we have control over, or we should.

I know where mine is now going. Not to people who don’t or never did give a stuff about me, or a platform that’s trying is turning us into dopamine addicts which also separate us.

So I have started already. . . making them needed changes.

I also have to reinforce a few things slightly more for my own sake.

Strong boundaries

We gotta have them for healthy relationships. Whatever the nature of the relationship. We have to be clear about them too, fuzzy ones are no good, not for either side and a relationship is a two way street.

We have these with our parents as kids, like our kids had them with us. Boundaries we just know, don’t do this or that, if we cross mothers boundaries she goes mad. Why do we grow up and take less notice of this essential necessity which is for our own sake?

Love can blur them but love is the reason to have them.

I respect everyone’s boundaries but stupidly ignore my own and that’s gotta stop. I mean, like, now!

They keep us sane and safe from the problems that inevitably rise from not having them, both parties have boundaries both should respect them too, but how can I expect others to respect mine when I ignored them myself!

I am the one that has to enforce them and I will. 😉

Weak ones are better than none.

Without them the other person can and often will destroy you slowly, not their responsibility, maybe their fault, but it’s our responsibility to make sure they can’t do it in the first place.

One trait above all others

Some people seem to have very unrealistic expectations about things, like love, goals, dreams.

To the point they let them destroy the reality of these things, I mean, a lady wants a perfect relationship, a man to sweep them off their feet, fairytale wedding, love like no other yet they are not willing to work at what they should be working at, being the perfect partner themselves and working on their own little faults to get to that point, love is never easy, no one should expect it to be.

Fantasies are all well and good but unrealistic. Keep them for what they are…. fantasies.

Love is a two way thing, a compromise, something people work at. Not just fall into and its all effortless, perfect.

Want better friends be a better friend, want a better relationship, be a better partner. Instead of expecting so much from the other person work on what you deliver to the relationship.

You can’t be a liar and devious, fake, an arrogant person and expect to have a great relationship. Amazing how some carry on chasing what they will never catch… because they can’t see the truth.

There is one golden rule I should have stuck to and I would have avoided a lot of the messes I have had.

One trait in others I expect as much as they should expect from me.

If this one trait is not there, it’s a case of see ya, good luck with that.

What is this trait?

The ability to see ones own faults and be accountable. Being honest about them and be able to rationally communicate them.

That’s it…

Simple, no good not being able to look in the mirror and see our own faults, others can’t change them only us, they see them more than anyone and suffer the hassles our faults bring to the table. I’d rather be single than accept someone who can’t do this. Actually… I am!

It’s these small faults we work on not for their sake but our own and the relationship itself.

Don’t have stupid expectations. Then you won’t fall so short of them or keep making mistakes. It’s not the others fault, it’s yours.

Many of us just think we are better than we really are, some are way over the top in that but to a degree we all do it. It’s human nature.

Being humble enough to see our own faults makes us better people all round.

That itself attracts better people. We are after all, mere mirrors.

How’s your reflection?

Mine is an improvement in progress, after all, I have small faults to work on. 😉

Now I must go meditate… I got two minds to work on!

Any comments please do share them below…

I smashed the kitchen up to save my sanity…
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