“Self examination”

I have to get this right off my chest before it gets out of hand and hopefully by doing this I may learn a little more about myself, I sure need to think about things a little more with recent events.

I think in many ways I am a loner, yet in many ways I am also the life and soul of things, anyone who knows me offline will know what I am saying is probably true, a funny sort of contradiction it seems yet a true one at that.

Things have NEVER been easy for me, I know they are rarely easy for anyone but I am ME and can only have real knowledge of that.

I also know IF I want things to improve in life I have to change things to point in that direction and I am not just saying I have to drastically change because it’s hard to change overnight but I can at least take things one step at a time which will eventually get me somewhere.

To do this I have to take a good look at myself and the way life has gone for me in general.

Funny thing life!

I digress… anyway, without sounding too “woe is me” let’s take a look at things in all honesty as that is the ONLY way I can be…honest.

So… mum got pregnant, caught rubella…causing my deafness, which I would have no other way especially when you consider ANYTHING could have happened to me, so I ain’t got the bad deal. ;o)

Being deaf was never gonna be easy by a long stretch, but if I may say so I done pretty good as I talk normal, never used sign language and live as normal as possible.
That has been a problem in itself though in some ways, a constant battle!

In some ways I am my own biggest bloody enemy…THAT I need to change.

School was ok, I liked it and never got bullied too much, no more than I could handle.
But it was the start of the way I became.

There are so many things that people seem to think I don’t notice, like if I liked a girl it soon became obvious they liked me, but didn’t want a deaf boyfriend!

Yet once ONE girl went out with me, the others wanted me…you know what they are like, want what they can’t have!

You know it still happens that, I can be talking to a lady in the pub all going lovely looking like I am getting lucky, then I mishear something and say “oh sorry I should have said half hour ago, I am deaf so I lipread”… bang…they change and I think…”not again, ok sod yer, I am off” and I will just walk away.

Their loss not mine lol!

See..I am not stupid and never was!

Now I lipread the ladies across the bar to see first who likes me… ;o)

But I am getting ahead of myself here, going back to my teens, the age my own sons are now it was a shit time with things at home.

See the little bullying I ever got at school was nothing compared to what my dad gave me and I think 80% of my problems stem from that, they are still having an effect now.

I now realise more why I am the way I am.

See my dad used to hit me in the garage in front of his mates…. these mates were arselickers to my dad. there it is, exactly why I hate arselickers.

He even hit me in front of MY mates…how the hell do you think that made me feel?

It stopped as soon as I hit him back…that fight put my neck out and mum had to take me to hospital where I had a neck brace thing to wear.

These so called mates of my dads don’t have anything to do with him now, but they also wont look me in the eye…actually I scare them now I am a big boy.

Yet pick on someone and I WILL stick up for them and it usually cost me too but I will still do it whatever it cost me…is that a bad thing?

So I left school and started my stone masonry apprenticeship…if you know anything you know Freemasons are central to stonemasons…if you “fit” you will be ok, I didn’t fit because I hated that other worse masons than me got better work than I did…it’s not your skill, it’s your arselicking ability!

This is one reason I have not stuck to stone masonry, I don’t want to be an angry worker, more so with a bloody great mallet in my hand!

I don’t deal with being “told” what to do very well after the shit with my own dad.

Having two sons of that age I was I just cannot fathom ever hitting them…never and they know I will never hit them not for anything.

It’s sick and sad…If I saw a man hitting his teenage son, you could be sure I would soon stop it.

My dad being a bully has made ME a better dad.

But it has also screwed me up as a person in some ways.

I am not blaming my dad in some ways because I am sure if he could wind the clock back he would have done things different, no-one gets a trial at this stuff.

But it happened and we have to live with it.

Once I left home at 16 I never spoke to dad for about 6 years, now we don’t speak at all.
The strange thing is he hates me!
Even though he was the asshole in all of this, after all there is NO excuse for punching your kids in the face.
He knows NO shame.
He tried to turn my family against me.

Bastard.

I feel bad I have his surname and wish I had not kept it and given it to my sons.
See he is NOT my real dad though he has been there since I was a baby.

Anyway… it seems to explain alot to me about the way I am now and how easy I can get annoyed at things like on the forums.

The majority of my anger IS aimed at the arselicking… I wish I could stop getting annoyed about it.

Hopefully this will explain a few things about me and the way I am.

Any opinions or advice?

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3 Responses to “Self examination”

  1. Rob,

    Your story is one of the most disturbing I’ve ever seen. To be embarrassed like that as a child must have been very difficult for you. I now have a very different insight into why you’ve been acting the way you have.

    Why the change though? You did not act as nasty as you have been lately before your absence online. You were happy and it showed in your actions.

    I’ve seen you become angry and rude with some of your friends lately (including myself). This is not the Rob I know. You have begun to take out your personal angers on those that actually care about you as a person and it truly isn’t necessary.

    As far as arselickers are concerned, you are very quick to point that finger lately. Assuming that anyone that says something positive about a “guru” is kissing ass. That isn’t always the case my friend. Personally, I’m friends with anyone that I’ve stuck up for. You may see my comments as kissing up or trying to push myself to their level, but it simply is not the case.

    I am just like you. I have always stuck up for the underdog. If we were friends as kids, I would have been the first one to help you get your Dad back for the awful things he did to you. If you ever needed me now, I’d be the first to hop on a plane to the UK to help you.

    Remember who your friends are bro!

    Your attitude is something that only you can change. I’m sure many of us would like to have the old Rob back.

    Ross Goldberg

  2. Rob says:

    Thanks Ross.

    I wouldn’t call you an arselicker… I have noticed so much more of it, including the bashing, BOTH have got worse, and it is one reason I have changed.

    It makes me feel sick, literally.

    Thats why it seems I have changed, I haven’t, its all this bringing up bad stuff for me.

    Rob

  3. Jon says:

    Get a deedpoll and change your name – 🙂

    And if you don’t want to pass on the wankers name to your sons, you can always ask your ex if she would like your sons to take her surname.

    Joking aside Rob, the one piece of advice I’d give you is this:

    write down all the positive things you want out of life and create a vivid dream image of what you would like.

    Focus on these positive things every day and make it your goal every day to do only ONE thing that will take you closer to that dream.

    I wanted to live abroad. I do. I wanted to be able to work from anywhere, at any time – my dream image was that I would sit on the beach, whipp out my laptop, plug it into my mobile broadband phone and do the work.

    Bar doing that at the beach – I have done that in a coffee shop.

    All because I dared to dream the positive dreams and because I dedicated time to focus on those positive things.

    My dreams turned into “nearly reality” because I got what I asked for, but in a slightly different way. specific details will be different ( like the type of job) but in the main, I got what I wanted.

    Jon

    Cheers,
    Jon

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